Wednesday, July 30, 2008
There is a new name in womens fashion.
There are way too many options here, none of which are publishable. got your own? add your caption/ advertising slogan in the comments section.
I don't just want plain vanilla electricity.
Hook a brother up with the good stuff! oh yea, That's what I'm talking about.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Taxi 201
Shanghai Taxi drivers have typically been the object of my affection for their ability to not make me late and keep me in good supply of adrenalin. They are now also supplying me with a bountiful amount of motivation to learn Chinese.
Beyond ensuring I get to where I want to go, the key aim now, is improving efficiency of this transaction.
The main reason for minimizing the verbalizing, is that the snack of choice for the average Taxi driver is garlic. When taking a short break a Shangahi taxi driver will take a whiz and then bury a clove or ten of Garlic. If by the time you get in the cab he has been waiting with the windows wound up for 5 minutes then you take your life into your own hands. If you open a door to a whiff its definitely grounds for sitting this one out and waiting for the next cab.
The less questions they get to ask the less their breath of mass destruction is unleashed.
The other imperative thing is supplying the driver with the correct change. Then you can drop the money in his hand. I say this because if you give him too much money he then has to give you change. Which means he has to place it in your hand. No big deal you think. Except now you are almost definitely going to be touched by the taxi driver . This is a big problem for you. The fingernails of most taxi drivers are about 3 times longer than that of the average housewife. I mean long protruding nails about 2 inches past the top of the finger. On several occasions I have let out quite and audible gasp when touched by one.
I now take a second look before accepting change or a receipt. I have left drivers hanging a few times. He looks at me whilst I glare back with that stare you usually reserve for someone who has just picked their nose prior to a handshake.
Beyond ensuring I get to where I want to go, the key aim now, is improving efficiency of this transaction.
The main reason for minimizing the verbalizing, is that the snack of choice for the average Taxi driver is garlic. When taking a short break a Shangahi taxi driver will take a whiz and then bury a clove or ten of Garlic. If by the time you get in the cab he has been waiting with the windows wound up for 5 minutes then you take your life into your own hands. If you open a door to a whiff its definitely grounds for sitting this one out and waiting for the next cab.
The less questions they get to ask the less their breath of mass destruction is unleashed.
The other imperative thing is supplying the driver with the correct change. Then you can drop the money in his hand. I say this because if you give him too much money he then has to give you change. Which means he has to place it in your hand. No big deal you think. Except now you are almost definitely going to be touched by the taxi driver . This is a big problem for you. The fingernails of most taxi drivers are about 3 times longer than that of the average housewife. I mean long protruding nails about 2 inches past the top of the finger. On several occasions I have let out quite and audible gasp when touched by one.
I now take a second look before accepting change or a receipt. I have left drivers hanging a few times. He looks at me whilst I glare back with that stare you usually reserve for someone who has just picked their nose prior to a handshake.
Monday, July 28, 2008
A bit of everything
Alright you have had to sit through a few random diatribe blogs lately. You will be pleased to know that in the past week I have been reminded of a few funny things about the Chinese. I know I am a man often short of finding the right words for a situation. But not wanting to leave you a few adjectives short of an imagination orgy I will give it a go.
Now I may have in the past accidentally made some local Chinese out to be a bit uncouth. Obviously China is getting a bit sensitive with the Olympics coming up. Freedom of information truth and the like are being point to the test. Now for the sake of not having my work visa revoked I would like to make a disclaimer.
The situations I reference in my blog are eye witness accounts. Whilst these are isolated incidents they are by no know means unfair stereotypes even though they are representative of the entire population. Okay so that is not a disclaimer as such, in fact at all. Perhaps if you happen to stumble across something in Shanghaihad that could be interpreted either way and one is offensive. Then please just interpret it the other way. There, that should keep me employed and out of jail.
Of all the sensory overloads I go through at a local Chinese restaurant there is one that sticks out the most. It happens right at the end of the meal. When it comes to using a toothpick the Chinese are more polite than the Queen. Their toothpick etiquette is nothing short of outstanding. Whilst one hand is foraging through the porcelains, looking for the other half of the pigeon, the other is delicately placed over the mouth so no one has to see what is going on. This dainty mannerism is juxtaposed about 60 seconds later when he steps outside and will be hocking up roughage on the pavement and generally carrying on like a caveman.
Now this next segment might not mean much to you women out there. So ladies welcome to a deep insight into the world of man.
There comes a time in every mans life when he finds himself observing the world around him. As he takes in the situation he then looks down and asks himself. Exactly how long has my hand been on my nuts. This can be a particularly scary realization depending on the situation. A client dinner you have to hope no one noticed where you had been for the last two minutes of conversation. I would just like to clarify that when this is going on one is just thinking about the weather or what he is going to have for lunch tomorrow.
This pose should no longer be associated with it's historical pioneer - the dole bludging, hermit, stick shifter, slumped on the couch watching telly. Al Bundy made it famous but I think it has evolved. I think it is the symbol of the modern thinking man.
If the artist behind 'the thinker' was sculpting today he would be telling it as it was in this day and age. Philosophy and mans internal struggles would be best depicted by a face wrought with contemplation , one hand on the knee the other not holding the chin but in a re-adjustmentesque southern cupping position. The world would then know that when this pose is in session this vacant gaze was the sign of a man at work.
Stay tuned this week for my next installment of taxi 101.
Now I may have in the past accidentally made some local Chinese out to be a bit uncouth. Obviously China is getting a bit sensitive with the Olympics coming up. Freedom of information truth and the like are being point to the test. Now for the sake of not having my work visa revoked I would like to make a disclaimer.
The situations I reference in my blog are eye witness accounts. Whilst these are isolated incidents they are by no know means unfair stereotypes even though they are representative of the entire population. Okay so that is not a disclaimer as such, in fact at all. Perhaps if you happen to stumble across something in Shanghaihad that could be interpreted either way and one is offensive. Then please just interpret it the other way. There, that should keep me employed and out of jail.
Of all the sensory overloads I go through at a local Chinese restaurant there is one that sticks out the most. It happens right at the end of the meal. When it comes to using a toothpick the Chinese are more polite than the Queen. Their toothpick etiquette is nothing short of outstanding. Whilst one hand is foraging through the porcelains, looking for the other half of the pigeon, the other is delicately placed over the mouth so no one has to see what is going on. This dainty mannerism is juxtaposed about 60 seconds later when he steps outside and will be hocking up roughage on the pavement and generally carrying on like a caveman.
Now this next segment might not mean much to you women out there. So ladies welcome to a deep insight into the world of man.
There comes a time in every mans life when he finds himself observing the world around him. As he takes in the situation he then looks down and asks himself. Exactly how long has my hand been on my nuts. This can be a particularly scary realization depending on the situation. A client dinner you have to hope no one noticed where you had been for the last two minutes of conversation. I would just like to clarify that when this is going on one is just thinking about the weather or what he is going to have for lunch tomorrow.
This pose should no longer be associated with it's historical pioneer - the dole bludging, hermit, stick shifter, slumped on the couch watching telly. Al Bundy made it famous but I think it has evolved. I think it is the symbol of the modern thinking man.
If the artist behind 'the thinker' was sculpting today he would be telling it as it was in this day and age. Philosophy and mans internal struggles would be best depicted by a face wrought with contemplation , one hand on the knee the other not holding the chin but in a re-adjustmentesque southern cupping position. The world would then know that when this pose is in session this vacant gaze was the sign of a man at work.
Stay tuned this week for my next installment of taxi 101.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
48 hours in Beijing
I has a shoot this weekend past in Beijing. I was able to have my first domestic traveling experience. Considering the poor regard in which this is held I was pretty impressed. Sometimes having your expectations severely lowered is a fantastic way to enjoy the exceptionally unexpected. I do like surprises.
Things were fairly efficient and standard the only weird bit being the internal immigration. The line for the flight was one of the few times in aviation I have seen Asians master the single file line concept. Once on board the pilot was on the airwaves. I think it was the only time I have felt reassured and happy to hear a French accent.
Beijing. Well there is no doubt about it the city is super excited about putting on the Olympics. There are banners everywhere and signs signaling the arrival of the games.
On arrival in Beijing the weather was sensational. The sky was as picturesque blue as any sky you’ll ever see. I was truly amazed. They have gone hard nuts making the city beautiful. There is so much green I thought I was in Canada all the way to the city. Wherever there is anything to distract from this they have glossed over it. All the slums and building site have large walls erected in front of them with hoardings advertising the games. I was amazed at how little of Beijing appeared to be poor. Although, out of site out of mind isn't exactly a long term solution now is it.
Beijing is row upon road of gridded streets that stretches on as far as the eye can see. It is all perfectly square block after block/ It is fair to say the Beijing cityscape has about as much vibrancy and personality as a John Mitchell press conference. So you have to know where you are going to find pockets of Chinese culture.
There is no shortage of local entrepreneurs welcoming the wealthy lao wai with open arms. As a visitor you should be suspicious of absolutely anyone rendering their service. They have no qualms about happily skimming an extra few bucks off a foreigner.
The bad time here is the taxi’s. I only took 3 while I was here and I was super not impressed. If you are not traveling far enough then there is a reluctance to take you anywhere. Driving in Beijing was also disappointingly civilized. I hardly felt like I was going to be injured once. Although the production house driver did travel for about 1km in the shoulder of the oncoming highway traffic. Slightly nerve raking and potential death hardly out weighed the 30 seconds of drive time shaved by avoiding the u-turn.
After the shoot on Sunday I was glad to be able to take a trip out to the Olympic venues. It was a pretty cool experience to see the Birds next and Watercube up close. I am now even more super psyched about getting to the Olympics in a few weeks.
The environment has certainly been of great Pre-Olympic concern and after Saturdays scorcher it was easy to think the war had be won. However, Sunday it was back to haze and when I awoke Monday morning the pollution visibility resembled the Super14 final of 2006. The only difference is I am still not bitter with the pollution in Beijing. It will be a fantastic feat of technology if this anti-aircraft cannon weather control system keeps the skies blue. All the purists and nostalgics can get stuffed if they complain about not seeing the real Beijing. It needs as much artificial gloss and blue skies as it can get.
Things were fairly efficient and standard the only weird bit being the internal immigration. The line for the flight was one of the few times in aviation I have seen Asians master the single file line concept. Once on board the pilot was on the airwaves. I think it was the only time I have felt reassured and happy to hear a French accent.
Beijing. Well there is no doubt about it the city is super excited about putting on the Olympics. There are banners everywhere and signs signaling the arrival of the games.
On arrival in Beijing the weather was sensational. The sky was as picturesque blue as any sky you’ll ever see. I was truly amazed. They have gone hard nuts making the city beautiful. There is so much green I thought I was in Canada all the way to the city. Wherever there is anything to distract from this they have glossed over it. All the slums and building site have large walls erected in front of them with hoardings advertising the games. I was amazed at how little of Beijing appeared to be poor. Although, out of site out of mind isn't exactly a long term solution now is it.
Beijing is row upon road of gridded streets that stretches on as far as the eye can see. It is all perfectly square block after block/ It is fair to say the Beijing cityscape has about as much vibrancy and personality as a John Mitchell press conference. So you have to know where you are going to find pockets of Chinese culture.
There is no shortage of local entrepreneurs welcoming the wealthy lao wai with open arms. As a visitor you should be suspicious of absolutely anyone rendering their service. They have no qualms about happily skimming an extra few bucks off a foreigner.
The bad time here is the taxi’s. I only took 3 while I was here and I was super not impressed. If you are not traveling far enough then there is a reluctance to take you anywhere. Driving in Beijing was also disappointingly civilized. I hardly felt like I was going to be injured once. Although the production house driver did travel for about 1km in the shoulder of the oncoming highway traffic. Slightly nerve raking and potential death hardly out weighed the 30 seconds of drive time shaved by avoiding the u-turn.
After the shoot on Sunday I was glad to be able to take a trip out to the Olympic venues. It was a pretty cool experience to see the Birds next and Watercube up close. I am now even more super psyched about getting to the Olympics in a few weeks.
The environment has certainly been of great Pre-Olympic concern and after Saturdays scorcher it was easy to think the war had be won. However, Sunday it was back to haze and when I awoke Monday morning the pollution visibility resembled the Super14 final of 2006. The only difference is I am still not bitter with the pollution in Beijing. It will be a fantastic feat of technology if this anti-aircraft cannon weather control system keeps the skies blue. All the purists and nostalgics can get stuffed if they complain about not seeing the real Beijing. It needs as much artificial gloss and blue skies as it can get.
Monday, July 21, 2008
back to walking the beat
I write today;s blog with a heavy heart. You may recall the excited jubilation with which I acquired my bicycle some 7 weeks ago. We had shared some great memories together. As I peddled the dangerous streets of Shanghai my trusty bicycle nurtured me at every turn and intersection.
On Friday as I arrived at the bike rack I was curious as to my bike wasn’t where I had left it. By that I mean it was gone. Someone had fleeced my bike. I was gutted as. I had brought over a heavy duty lock from New Zealand in a hope to evade the merchants of thieves. I investigated the scene of the crime. Much to my despair there was no a sign of a struggle. Which makes me think he was attacked from behind while perhaps drowsy in the balmy afternoon sun. It’s hard to think about his last moments of freedom. He probably lay there dozing in and out of a summer afternoon daydream. He would have been reflecting back on the trips we had together before. He would have been dreaming and expectantly waiting for the next time I would return and take him on another adventure. his mind then would have wandered off into a hazy pedaled fantasy involving him and that bicycle from ET.
I studied the hax-saw markings on the faded paint of the bike stand. I can imagine the rattling in his spokes as he realized what would happen once they had broken through the lock .
It pains me to think that now someone else is taking him to unknown places against his will. Somewhere out there he is crying himself to sleep in a garden shed or a bike stand. Longing to be part of my adventures just one last time.
There is some thing particularly violating about having your bike stolen. This is the third time in four years it has happened to me. a little part of me dies in side each time. In the words of reverend Brian Tamaki ‘ enough is enough’. Surely more could be done to stop the ease at which bikes are fleeced. Shanghai probably has about 3 million bicycles and they pretty much all look the same too. so my chance of spotting it a gain are very slim.
I can only hope that in this case Robin Hood got me and some old codger is towing a 200 kg trailer full of watermelon across the suburbs.
As I look back and think about what I could have done differently. I think the issue was it was too new. My next bike will thrown down a few flights of stairs and then have all its paint sripped off with a flamethrower. That ought to do it
On Friday as I arrived at the bike rack I was curious as to my bike wasn’t where I had left it. By that I mean it was gone. Someone had fleeced my bike. I was gutted as. I had brought over a heavy duty lock from New Zealand in a hope to evade the merchants of thieves. I investigated the scene of the crime. Much to my despair there was no a sign of a struggle. Which makes me think he was attacked from behind while perhaps drowsy in the balmy afternoon sun. It’s hard to think about his last moments of freedom. He probably lay there dozing in and out of a summer afternoon daydream. He would have been reflecting back on the trips we had together before. He would have been dreaming and expectantly waiting for the next time I would return and take him on another adventure. his mind then would have wandered off into a hazy pedaled fantasy involving him and that bicycle from ET.
I studied the hax-saw markings on the faded paint of the bike stand. I can imagine the rattling in his spokes as he realized what would happen once they had broken through the lock .
It pains me to think that now someone else is taking him to unknown places against his will. Somewhere out there he is crying himself to sleep in a garden shed or a bike stand. Longing to be part of my adventures just one last time.
There is some thing particularly violating about having your bike stolen. This is the third time in four years it has happened to me. a little part of me dies in side each time. In the words of reverend Brian Tamaki ‘ enough is enough’. Surely more could be done to stop the ease at which bikes are fleeced. Shanghai probably has about 3 million bicycles and they pretty much all look the same too. so my chance of spotting it a gain are very slim.
I can only hope that in this case Robin Hood got me and some old codger is towing a 200 kg trailer full of watermelon across the suburbs.
As I look back and think about what I could have done differently. I think the issue was it was too new. My next bike will thrown down a few flights of stairs and then have all its paint sripped off with a flamethrower. That ought to do it
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wind down the window
So finally the rainy season seems to have gone away. The rain was starting to get to me. The rainy season definitely had a bad attitude. I mean sure, if you are going to rain, break into a light drizzle and the odd heavier drop. But you can’t just go from balmy 27 degrees clear grey skies to torrential rain in under 2 minutes. There is just no warning and suddenly the city is in chaos. There is no cover anywhere and suddenly an unoccupied taxi becomes metropolitan sperm whale vomit. So farewell rainfall.
So now there is no rain, someone just turned the fan heater up to number 5. It is crazy hot. Friday seemed to usher in the silly hot season. Due to humidity ‘the feels like’ radar goes up about 5 ‘c. So the moments outside yesterday going from air conditioned cab to air conidtioned office were quite unpleasant.
I decided to usher in this new era by having my first run of hockey in Shanghai.
I did one run down the filed and felt like I was wearing a slightly tight around the thighs disco suit made of pink bats. Although I wasn’t itchy, I was extremely overheated.
I don’t know how the athletes are going to go in Beijing with this kind of carry on.
30 mins of hockey in the sticky sun was not enough to deter me from Cricket the next day. We lost the toss and we got put in to field. A crucial toss to loose. It was 37 ‘c but actual felt like low 40’s. so hot as. I got called up to wicket keeping duty. So I now have to stand in the 40’s in my long pants and now pads and gloves on top. After the first over I was hotter than Satan’s chaffing. It was hard to beat the thirst ,everything you drank got sweat straight out.
Despite drinking vigorously behind the stumps, my in between innings tinkle was still like golden syrup.
When it came time for us to bat I asked to go down a couple of places because I was not in state to go straight back out there and open. So I went in at number four. And blow me down if we were 2 down after ten balls.
Getting to sleep at night is proving a bit of a mission to. The air conditioner struggles to keep things in check. I am open to suggestion on how to keep the night sweats at bay.. Although I think my body should consider shredding some insulation. I know it thinks it’s a good idea to store some of my food for a rainy day. But I think my body has gone a bit overboard here. I would have thought that after about 3 years of, and lets be honest here, fairly good eating. My body would have been conditioned into thinking that the likelihood of famine is diminishing. So it should feel free to put a little less energy in storage. Maybe I should sleep with my brain closer to my puku so they can have a little chat about this.
So now there is no rain, someone just turned the fan heater up to number 5. It is crazy hot. Friday seemed to usher in the silly hot season. Due to humidity ‘the feels like’ radar goes up about 5 ‘c. So the moments outside yesterday going from air conditioned cab to air conidtioned office were quite unpleasant.
I decided to usher in this new era by having my first run of hockey in Shanghai.
I did one run down the filed and felt like I was wearing a slightly tight around the thighs disco suit made of pink bats. Although I wasn’t itchy, I was extremely overheated.
I don’t know how the athletes are going to go in Beijing with this kind of carry on.
30 mins of hockey in the sticky sun was not enough to deter me from Cricket the next day. We lost the toss and we got put in to field. A crucial toss to loose. It was 37 ‘c but actual felt like low 40’s. so hot as. I got called up to wicket keeping duty. So I now have to stand in the 40’s in my long pants and now pads and gloves on top. After the first over I was hotter than Satan’s chaffing. It was hard to beat the thirst ,everything you drank got sweat straight out.
Despite drinking vigorously behind the stumps, my in between innings tinkle was still like golden syrup.
When it came time for us to bat I asked to go down a couple of places because I was not in state to go straight back out there and open. So I went in at number four. And blow me down if we were 2 down after ten balls.
Getting to sleep at night is proving a bit of a mission to. The air conditioner struggles to keep things in check. I am open to suggestion on how to keep the night sweats at bay.. Although I think my body should consider shredding some insulation. I know it thinks it’s a good idea to store some of my food for a rainy day. But I think my body has gone a bit overboard here. I would have thought that after about 3 years of, and lets be honest here, fairly good eating. My body would have been conditioned into thinking that the likelihood of famine is diminishing. So it should feel free to put a little less energy in storage. Maybe I should sleep with my brain closer to my puku so they can have a little chat about this.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Probably not going back for seconds.
Dear all, my humble apologies to you my loyal readers. It has been longer than expected since my last blog entry. I apologize for this, Work has taken over in recent weeks and given me a bit of a schooling. So I have been head down tails up.
My first guests came stayed with me this past weekend. It was absolutely sensational to have some friendly and familiar faces to stay. So thanks to you Josh and Claire for dropping in . It was great to have a reason to go exploring this funny ol city. Any of you out there are always welcome to come visit
I went to adidas 09 Q1 clothing launch last night is was quite the spectacle. We sat in an opera theater and after a few formalities they brought out the stars – Gilbert Arenas of the Washington Wizards and Mr Kung Fu himself Jet Li. The Chinese went absolutely gaga over him showing up. Then they showed off the new season threads which looked - fabulous. But not sure that my figure will do them as much justice as the Italian medallion stallions hawking the wears last night.
I had the real deal Chinese meal the other night. A kiwi friend of mine and his visiting folks went to out with his Chinese manager. This restaurant was gold plated / painted every where you looked. It was bling. The meal was pretty darn good. I got to try frogs on toast which wasn’t too bad. Although not as chocolaty as I remember from the 80’s But to be honest it was just like eating garlic mushrooms so leave the poor buggers alone I reckon. I hate fly’s more than I dislike frogs so let em lily pad out there days.
Half way through the next dish I found myself halfway through a mouthful and in the middle of a moral dilemma. I had already buried a few helpings before someone else asked what it actually was. I was a bit distressed to hear it was shark fin noodles. Actually very edible but sad times to eat. I trust the ‘when in Rome’ clause abstains me from any moral liability. We then had a prolonged discussion about sharks entitled ‘Man the Chinese are making it even more difficult for lifeguards to keep swimmers safe’
To keep the thirst at bay we were drinking Chinese rice wine. Bi Jiao. It is not really wine in the sense you have it in a shot glass and it is more like 60% proof. It was absolutely disgusting and lingered on the palette (or what was left of it) for about 5 minutes. On closer inspection I thought it was apt that the porcelain bottle actually had a plastic child lock lid like a turpentine spirits bottle. I am in fact convinced the two would be completely interchangeable. Sheesh!
On another note my Blog seems to now be legal in China again. Which is really not that good for me because now people I know here can scrutinize my banter.
My first guests came stayed with me this past weekend. It was absolutely sensational to have some friendly and familiar faces to stay. So thanks to you Josh and Claire for dropping in . It was great to have a reason to go exploring this funny ol city. Any of you out there are always welcome to come visit
I went to adidas 09 Q1 clothing launch last night is was quite the spectacle. We sat in an opera theater and after a few formalities they brought out the stars – Gilbert Arenas of the Washington Wizards and Mr Kung Fu himself Jet Li. The Chinese went absolutely gaga over him showing up. Then they showed off the new season threads which looked - fabulous. But not sure that my figure will do them as much justice as the Italian medallion stallions hawking the wears last night.
I had the real deal Chinese meal the other night. A kiwi friend of mine and his visiting folks went to out with his Chinese manager. This restaurant was gold plated / painted every where you looked. It was bling. The meal was pretty darn good. I got to try frogs on toast which wasn’t too bad. Although not as chocolaty as I remember from the 80’s But to be honest it was just like eating garlic mushrooms so leave the poor buggers alone I reckon. I hate fly’s more than I dislike frogs so let em lily pad out there days.
Half way through the next dish I found myself halfway through a mouthful and in the middle of a moral dilemma. I had already buried a few helpings before someone else asked what it actually was. I was a bit distressed to hear it was shark fin noodles. Actually very edible but sad times to eat. I trust the ‘when in Rome’ clause abstains me from any moral liability. We then had a prolonged discussion about sharks entitled ‘Man the Chinese are making it even more difficult for lifeguards to keep swimmers safe’
To keep the thirst at bay we were drinking Chinese rice wine. Bi Jiao. It is not really wine in the sense you have it in a shot glass and it is more like 60% proof. It was absolutely disgusting and lingered on the palette (or what was left of it) for about 5 minutes. On closer inspection I thought it was apt that the porcelain bottle actually had a plastic child lock lid like a turpentine spirits bottle. I am in fact convinced the two would be completely interchangeable. Sheesh!
On another note my Blog seems to now be legal in China again. Which is really not that good for me because now people I know here can scrutinize my banter.
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